Dating someone just because youre lonely
Go to an after work social event or go to a meetup event that you think you might like. Take a class or sign-up for a workshop. Online dating is a good option, but you also need to engage with people in person. This will help you feel more connected to others and less lonely. This makes you happy, right? But, what if your interest is solely from a fear of loneliness? To figure this out we need to understand your fears and how you see yourself in respect to others.
When we understand and accept our fears we can better handle situations like this one. To begin, make a list of your genuine fears. Nothing is too silly to include on the list, personally I have a genuine fear of birds. These are real fears and I need to both be accepting of them and be ready for them if they come up in my life.
The list of fears you make will get you started on understanding yourself. Think about the origin of the fear and what you think will happen if the fear is enacted. My fear of birds comes from feeding the ducks as a little girl, I got a little too close and the geese and swans attacked.
You’re Not in Love, You’re Just Lonely
Then a neighbor told me about being attacked by a blue jay. My grandfather kept a blue jay as a pet and one day it attacked me too. Solid fear of birds with a real origin. Granted, I was only about two feet tall when it happened, but still a real and genuine fear. When you look over your fears and their origins look for patterns of that might indicate loneliness is a fear. For instance, if you have a fear of eating in a restaurant alone, or just going out alone, where does that fear come from?
Loneliness Isn’t A Reason For You To Be Dating Someone
Is it fear of being judged by others? Or maybe a fear of looking vulnerable to others, potentially making yourself a target?
All fears are valid and come from our experiences, remember to keep that in mind as you look over and analyze your fears. For the second list, include who you enjoy sharing these activities.
Include the reasons why you enjoy doing these things alone or with others. Do you sleep better with someone next to you, or do you sleep better alone? Do you like to binge watch girly TV shows alone, or watch chick flicks by yourself? Maybe you found a few more fears when thinking about why you enjoy doing things with others. Look at how long your list of things you enjoy doing alone is as compared to you list of things you enjoy doing with others. A healthy list of things you enjoy doing alone is about as long as the one you enjoy doing with others.
Also, see how many things you enjoy doing with others include a boyfriend or date. Again, healthy lists show an even distribution between all the categories. Maybe look back to your fears. Think about your role in the relationship and the things you do with your new friend. Is he there just to fill up the room and keep you from eating alone?
For example, is the relationship impacting your ability to spend time with your friends or taking you away from the things you enjoy doing? If this is happening, then think honestly how its impacting you and your ability to care for yourself. Happy and healthy relationships propel us to be stronger and better versions of who we really are, not take on a new identity to meet the needs of our partners.
Also, looking at your fears and seeing how many of them are tied to loneliness will give a clear indication. People attempt to fill the hole in their lives with people, places or things. While they are pleasant distractions, it only numbs loneliness and the need for human interaction temporarily. Regarding dating relationships, loneliness will cause a person to tolerate dating a person or person s who they simply deem as placeholders, interesting enough for a good time, but not quite relationship material.
When a lonely person shows interest, they show it from a place of lack, needing to fill time and distract from the ups and downs of life and singledom. When experiencing loneliness, people tend to settle into relationships that are comfortable, but not courageous; easy, but not edifying.
On the contrary, when a person likes a person, one of the best gifts of the relationship is that it comes from a place of wholeness and genuine connection, not lack. The person is able to feel excited, empowered and embodied fully when being around the romantic interest. While loneliness may come and go as a natural, temporary feeling, the person does not operate out of loneliness but out of genuine interest, acceptance and authentic involvement within their interest.
One specific way to tell that you like a person is that you desire to present your full self around the person and encourage him or her to show you more of who they are without reservation. Some of the detriments of loneliness dating are that it can turn into fruitless, resentful marriages or long-term relationships.
One person realizes in hindsight that they did not choose to be with their partner due to true love, but because of convenience, great physical intimacy or appearances. Some chose to prematurely end their single lives to have someone, anyone bearable to connect with. Human beings desire connection, and loneliness confirms that desire. When we understand that loneliness is temporary and must be dealt with by confronting the thoughts, feelings and behaviors stemming from loneliness, we find a stronger sense of self and make stronger, more life-giving relationship choices.
That you are not just accepting his invitations because you would rather be out than home alone? Give yourself some time to see if this relationship is right for you. Sift through your feelings. Receiving attention from a new guy feels good. How do you know that you really like this person and that you are not just going on dates to avoid being alone? I encourage you to process through your feelings and ask yourself these 4 questions: You constantly check your phone for texts, calls, emails, etc. Just thinking about your next encounter can feel thrilling. If you are dating him just to kill time you might not be as eager with communication.
Do you feel good about yourself when you are together? When you have found a good partner, you will notice that your personalities complement one another. Maybe he is calm where you are more anxious. Or just being in his presence improves your mood. Early on in relationships people are just discovering one another and hopefully enjoying what they find. You are looking for a man who will accept you for who you are. Do you have a full life regardless of dates with this guy? If you are canceling plans or carving out time for a date, then you are probably not just dating to avoid being alone.
It is important to establish your own routine and engage in activities that you enjoy on a daily basis. You can have a full life without an intimate partner. What are you looking for in a partner? The dating scene can be difficult to navigate. It is essential that you are living a balanced life in order to ensure that you are presenting your best self. Take care of your own needs.
Self care does not end when you couple up. When you are feeling your best and living a fulfilling life, you reduce the doubt that you are only dating because you are lonely.
Don’t Date Him Just Because You’re Lonely | Thought Catalog
You will be confident that you are dating because you are in search of a partner to share your life with. Often people prefer being in relationships then being alone; however remember there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. It is beneficial to being happy and content being alone, or without a partner prior to jumping into a relationship. The main reason for this is that you most likely will not be satisfied or fulfilled if you say yes to the first person who shows an interest, just because your lonely.
We’re so often bad at the signs
If you answer those questions honestly; it will be fairly easy if you are only interested in this person because you are lonely. Continuing this is not fair to either person. He might have true feelings for you and if you do not feel the same way; it is better to tell him early on so you can both find people that are better matches.
There is no perfect partner. This is easy stuff, guys. My boyfriend and I lived together at the time, but he was so oblivious that after a day and a half I dragged myself, zombie-like, to the drug store two blocks away and bought my own meds, and was so exhausted by the time I got back that I crashed on the couch for hours afterwards. But damn , son. Just go re-read the first section, honestly. Mature love is based on healthy non-attachment.
Get out of here with that grabby shit. The most interesting part was: I had come home from our first date feeling the same way.